Past

I don't want to look into my past... because I don't find anything there. I oculdn't even remember the two boys who were in the same pic with me taken eleven years ago. Nor why I had not been in two class pictures. There is nothing good there... only thing that can be found is torment and suffering... and running away from life. Never knowing what will happen if you stop.

No one knows who I am, what did I do or when I started being visible for people.
With no past I can look only at present or to the future. Present is annoyingly diverse, where future is empty and spacious. There are choices too many to choose from in future. But in present I feel the best. Because there are no if's or when's there is only do or don't do.

Just another Tuesday

As Title says it is yet another Tuesday...

But it used to be special day before the Forever alone meme changed the meaning of it to Forever alone day for people who don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend or just who want to be cool and use memes everyday.

I honestly dislike those last ones, because I used to like Valentines day with the original meaning. But it changed some time ago when I made one bad mistake on that day... Till this day I regret that I had no balls and ruined someone's day forever...

But before that I don't remember if I really did something special that day or not. Because then I used to play World of Warcraft all day long. I guess I hadn't really done anything for Valentine's day before that mistake. 

Now I am at the point of wanting to do something for someone, but not knowing what or to who. 

It seems this month is the lowest point of all year... atleast for third year in a row, because before that I had no life what so ever. 

Best thing to do on this day is nothing for anyone and by doing that you can't hurt anyone. Because by doing nothing you don't do anything stupid that might work out against you, second by avoiding doing something for someone keeps you from hurting someone. Although it doesn't work in realtionships to be noted. Atleast from my point of view... from another's it can be rather different. 

As I am the one who does everything for others and nothing for oneself I would mind a day off. Just to collect all the lost pieces of myself. But I fear that my nature just doesn't take breaks like I would like to take... 

No future

Winter is here. It's cold in my room that my beverage cabinet works almost as a refigirator. Outside it is over -20 C so I don't bother to go out, maybe only for school. Atleast it is nice and calm outside. Better than being watery and windy this winter is harsh and cold. It's like real Siberian winter, but does not last that long. Keep the house warm is becoming tougher by every passing day. 

Nothing much really matters anymore. I guess I just don't bother to do anything novadays... Reading books i nvarious classes, not concentrating on homework and just letting all things pass by me as days pass. There is nothing to work myself up to, because I still take life one day at a time and don't really consider what to do in near future. No thoughts where to go to study or even what to study... Just letting the time pass while I do nothing seems not the beast idea, but I have no better on yet.

Let's just wait and see what happens... if there is anything that can go wrong it will go with a bang... 

Things... just things

Christmas is over for this year... as is this year only 4 days left till 2012 comes...
That was yet another Christmas with family... well only Christmas Eve because I was left home to keep the house warm... played Skyrim almost for 2 days and felt the arrow in the knee when it crashed... at some point I just didn't restart game and played some League of Legends instead...
I got only 2 things for Christmas... 4 books of A Song of Ice and Fire and 20€...
Well this Christmas was so lonely I was up till 4 am for 3 days... but always woke up at 11 am or so... although I went to friends place at Christmas Eve to give another a book and have some fun time...
For once I even enjoyed watching Christmas programs on TV... Die hard 4.0 still rocks... it's like taking bullet to the knee instead of an arrow... and A Curious Case of Benjamin Button was so enjoying I stayed up till 5 am yesterday...

Why I even write here when it should be material for the other blog...
This is place to write my sad stuff out from mind... but still I describe myself here...
Must stop writing something that matters... must write something irrational...
Because why? ... I need to remember that for the time being... writing things that have no meaning without context was once my favourite thing... but now... Nevermind... I will never bother to do that again... maybe...
Let's see what 2012 brings...

For something and for nothing

Seems I even bother to update my blog every once in a while after two weeks.
I finished A Clash of Kings today. Was epic reading, not like some romance novels I read in past classes like 'Twilight' (oh, yes I have read it... I made a mistake there) and Marked from House of Night series which was way better than first. All these books I read for my English class as home reading though I read usually two books when others only read one.
Soon I'll start reading first of two parts of book three from A Song of Ice and Fire series. Though I will devour it within a week or so if I use all my holidays for it.
As for chirstmas I maybe don't care, but seeing my little brother(s) once in a while will give something for nothing. Maybe I'm ought to stay longer than I have planned at home... but it will be seen.
Seems like I lie everytime I say I'm happy... because I had fun for hour but after all I ended up using my ninja skills and waited for something to come from nothing. In the end it was nothing I gained... only strenght to overcome myself to not care for what happens around me.

I'm still cold and it's getting colder by day and night.

Winter is Coming....

Soon it will be here with it white carpet covering all the earth and houses.
And then will start the long days of darkness, while the sun is in sky I study in school, come before dawn and leave after sun set. Only to get glimpses of sun while I go out for lunch. Days grow shorter by every passing day.
As the days grow gloomier, the only friend I find is the book I read. A song of and Ice and fire. Loved the first part of the story from the start. Although it is gloomy and treacherous as the charathers are venomous as the cobra nest. It took me time to put the book away to go for sleep. I read till it was 2 am in the morning. Will I do that again when I start to read second book Clash of The Kings?
School is starting to get tiring as the days grow shorter.
Nothing sad nor happy has happened from the last post. It is like every day is gray with nothing to remember but the comings and goings to school and back with driving lessons begun it ought to change. But time will see if the days will be more grayer or they will have some colours in them...

Having not the best day...

Since when I had I good day...
It all seems to be clouded in grey for past 2 weeks or so, just school, home, driving lessons and badminton or swimming if I bothered. Nothing really remarkable has happened. Days flow by as strangers you meet in the street while trying not to bump into them.

For weeks now I have felt that I'm left alone, no one bugging me to do everything, or anything. I have freedom to do anything, but I rarely use it... don't know why... Seems when you have it all in front of you, you stop caring and let the river flow. Should I do it or not...

It's like believing in something that has 0.000001% to come true, just to be sure you just wait till you are gray as weekdays, never having any fun while others are out having good times with eachother, you just sit and wait till your time comes. I sould be more active, but when I'm tired I can't be active... the energy, the will to go on... is fading piece by boring piece into the past, where nothing comes, but everything goes to there.

Once in a while I even bothered to write... achievement from me? ... don't know... no one really bothers to read it anyway...