No future

Winter is here. It's cold in my room that my beverage cabinet works almost as a refigirator. Outside it is over -20 C so I don't bother to go out, maybe only for school. Atleast it is nice and calm outside. Better than being watery and windy this winter is harsh and cold. It's like real Siberian winter, but does not last that long. Keep the house warm is becoming tougher by every passing day. 

Nothing much really matters anymore. I guess I just don't bother to do anything novadays... Reading books i nvarious classes, not concentrating on homework and just letting all things pass by me as days pass. There is nothing to work myself up to, because I still take life one day at a time and don't really consider what to do in near future. No thoughts where to go to study or even what to study... Just letting the time pass while I do nothing seems not the beast idea, but I have no better on yet.

Let's just wait and see what happens... if there is anything that can go wrong it will go with a bang... 

Things... just things

Christmas is over for this year... as is this year only 4 days left till 2012 comes...
That was yet another Christmas with family... well only Christmas Eve because I was left home to keep the house warm... played Skyrim almost for 2 days and felt the arrow in the knee when it crashed... at some point I just didn't restart game and played some League of Legends instead...
I got only 2 things for Christmas... 4 books of A Song of Ice and Fire and 20€...
Well this Christmas was so lonely I was up till 4 am for 3 days... but always woke up at 11 am or so... although I went to friends place at Christmas Eve to give another a book and have some fun time...
For once I even enjoyed watching Christmas programs on TV... Die hard 4.0 still rocks... it's like taking bullet to the knee instead of an arrow... and A Curious Case of Benjamin Button was so enjoying I stayed up till 5 am yesterday...

Why I even write here when it should be material for the other blog...
This is place to write my sad stuff out from mind... but still I describe myself here...
Must stop writing something that matters... must write something irrational...
Because why? ... I need to remember that for the time being... writing things that have no meaning without context was once my favourite thing... but now... Nevermind... I will never bother to do that again... maybe...
Let's see what 2012 brings...

For something and for nothing

Seems I even bother to update my blog every once in a while after two weeks.
I finished A Clash of Kings today. Was epic reading, not like some romance novels I read in past classes like 'Twilight' (oh, yes I have read it... I made a mistake there) and Marked from House of Night series which was way better than first. All these books I read for my English class as home reading though I read usually two books when others only read one.
Soon I'll start reading first of two parts of book three from A Song of Ice and Fire series. Though I will devour it within a week or so if I use all my holidays for it.
As for chirstmas I maybe don't care, but seeing my little brother(s) once in a while will give something for nothing. Maybe I'm ought to stay longer than I have planned at home... but it will be seen.
Seems like I lie everytime I say I'm happy... because I had fun for hour but after all I ended up using my ninja skills and waited for something to come from nothing. In the end it was nothing I gained... only strenght to overcome myself to not care for what happens around me.

I'm still cold and it's getting colder by day and night.

Winter is Coming....

Soon it will be here with it white carpet covering all the earth and houses.
And then will start the long days of darkness, while the sun is in sky I study in school, come before dawn and leave after sun set. Only to get glimpses of sun while I go out for lunch. Days grow shorter by every passing day.
As the days grow gloomier, the only friend I find is the book I read. A song of and Ice and fire. Loved the first part of the story from the start. Although it is gloomy and treacherous as the charathers are venomous as the cobra nest. It took me time to put the book away to go for sleep. I read till it was 2 am in the morning. Will I do that again when I start to read second book Clash of The Kings?
School is starting to get tiring as the days grow shorter.
Nothing sad nor happy has happened from the last post. It is like every day is gray with nothing to remember but the comings and goings to school and back with driving lessons begun it ought to change. But time will see if the days will be more grayer or they will have some colours in them...

Having not the best day...

Since when I had I good day...
It all seems to be clouded in grey for past 2 weeks or so, just school, home, driving lessons and badminton or swimming if I bothered. Nothing really remarkable has happened. Days flow by as strangers you meet in the street while trying not to bump into them.

For weeks now I have felt that I'm left alone, no one bugging me to do everything, or anything. I have freedom to do anything, but I rarely use it... don't know why... Seems when you have it all in front of you, you stop caring and let the river flow. Should I do it or not...

It's like believing in something that has 0.000001% to come true, just to be sure you just wait till you are gray as weekdays, never having any fun while others are out having good times with eachother, you just sit and wait till your time comes. I sould be more active, but when I'm tired I can't be active... the energy, the will to go on... is fading piece by boring piece into the past, where nothing comes, but everything goes to there.

Once in a while I even bothered to write... achievement from me? ... don't know... no one really bothers to read it anyway...

Fuel... or just...

I wondered whats the fuel thats still running in me...
Keeping me sane and o.k...
Once I thought it was happy memories... but seems they get clouded from some point with  sadness, that has overtaken my mind. It can't be my fuel... because it has been used to last bit.
Another theory was that my fuel is happiness I give to my friends and others when I'm around, drawing in all the sadness and locking that away inside me... Maybe sadness is the fuel I need to keep myself operating... and those happy memories are just everything that is left of that fuel after burning.
But then what I am... just a deposit of sadness... Is that why I just want others to be happy and not me... Why I don't want to be happy when I can make other people smile. Why I must care so much... Or am I only blocking my ego from taking over and making me into a beast that doesn't care about anyone in his way.

Two-sided mind

First side...

A normal and happy person with no worries. Having a normal life whic like some strive for. This is the good side of me... happy, joyful, understanding, friendly... never hurting anyone, always helpful. Not waiting anything for help nor asking for a reward for a found ring or wallet. That's ordinary me...

Second side...

The unseen side. No one sees it as it has been under the first side always. Planning on how to do things that would hurt people. It wants to get everything. When awakened it is hard to restrain it... While it is awake, body can be calm, but mind is a battlefield of ideas, that cna never be accomplished. For it to reach the frozen depths of feelings is unbareable for mind. Never letting me rest while I want it just bombards my ind with thoughts...
If I could I would silence it, but it's hard... nothing can stop the bombardment better than idea that it will end sometime when I get tired enough.