Empty shell on the beach

Feeling like an empty shell lying on the beach, waiting for someone to pick it up and throw it back to the Ocean of Hate. If you find it then just throw it back, no use to take it with you. Inside is nothing left. You may break it, throw it back, hide in the sand, I wouldn't care because left alone is best for me.
As tide comes I shall travel again in the Ocean of Hate where I can be free till I find another beach where to stop hoping you wouldn't find me there. Because in the shell there can be life still, but very, very little.
Would you take it with you, you make a mistake. That little piece of life, hope will grow bigger and bigger. Till it becomes monster and you just take it back to where you found it. And throw it back to Ocean of Hate.
Yet another one finds it and so shall the circle continue till one day that ray of hope in the shell is almost gone and  someone finds it and from that day, the shell will become what it used to be.
But to get out of the circle will take time, days, months, years, decades, centurys maybe even a millenia till it finds true happyness.

Falling apart/Walking away

If it happened once it can happen again. Trembling, crackling inside without knowing what to do next. From when it got so sad again? Life is cruel but fair. One second I'm walking home with friends, the next I'm in dark graveyard alone and thinking why I'm so alone, when I had friends just a seconds ago around me. Am I destined to walk the Earth alone forever?
Happyness just walking away from me like, I from my friend usually do just sneaking away without saying goodbye when it seems right to leave or I'm tired.
Giving myself bit by tiny bit to others without gaining anything from it. I can't stop doing it, cannot change who I am. I only get back something that makes me sad. Why does it happen... I try to make others happy and I gain nothing except misery of it.

Time has passed

Too long has passed since I bothered to write something.
So many things has happened meanwhile. I got my Birthday party planned, one silver medal in badminton tournament last weekend.
Weekend before that I was with friends(like 60 ppl) at baka.ee winter rally. Was fun though, I mostly spent time with one person. Played pool for 1,5 hours at midnight, lost the game because neither I nor my partner didn't believe to heart of the balls. I got some new friends from there too, with who was very good and interesting to talk. While party lasted till morning I went to sleep at 4 or so.
While coming back from there our car drifted a little and then was in wall of snow, atleast we got out quick as there was a police convoy (highway interceptor, patrol car and minivan) few minutes behind us. But when I got home, I had massive headache.
I have to mention that I had week or 2 before similiar incident while going to family friends place 20 km out of town. But then it was only ice what was on the road and we did 360 while going with 80 km/h before landing in wall of snow.

Irrationality in rationality

Oh well. New year well spent... first day at school went quite good even. And I have already planned next 4 weekends already.

It seems I'm writing less than I did before the new year. Maybe it's because I now have something to do with my time; not to write irrational things that only I can understand(I still can write them, but it's no use to write because I'm not the only one who reads them). Confusion was the best, is the best way I write in my blog. No use to find rationality here, because it's irrational babble I'm blowing here. Just some random thoughts/things from my mind. Like I think before I sleep, like 2 maybe 3 hours I lay still and my mind works as fast as Mach 5.

Only thing is my thoughts are confusing me. Some pictures from future like some girl I know starting barfight over with other trying to get it under control it gets bigger and bigger. In the end I leave the bar and only 1 girl comes out of there to seek me because others are conserned by killing the contestants or injurying them.

 Usless bullshit I'm talking. Never shall I talk about the point, it's useful to go round the matter not into it the right way. Who can understand, who can't.

There is no devil inside me, it's just a fistsize red thingy what keeps me alive. Alive is well said because I feel like dissapoint at my **********s, well actualy not for one, but I plan to be off from #D till friday. Don't think it's a good idea, but lets try. If I go there again before friday I'm gonna blog again...

Wish I hadn't said that last sentence...

It's just wrong

It's wrong to say I'm happy
It's wrong to say I'm sad
I could make those cute eyes of a puppy
But now the idea seems so bad

I wonder why
I said bye
Without a blink
And turned my back to you
So  I wouldn't think
About you

I don't know what I need
I don't know what I want

Why this keeps happening to me?
I don't know.

Nothing much

Life seems very pure and honest at start but when you grow up you find it disgusting and deceptive. And some part of our lives we will get that there is no Santa. But some believe still he is somewhere near the North Pole with elves. Well I think he might be there and might not, as I don't have any proof of him existing.

And why do we celebrate Christams every year? Reason is short because christians took it over a long time ago from who they called pagans. And why they did it? They needed a date when people must come to church for praying and "donations" to come. I personally like christmas, but I dislike it being a religious holiday.

Something insane again

Something I think, but I never tell anybody. In my mind whenever I'm alone I will always what would happen,  mostly only horrible events or seeing someone I know being all alone in the forest or park. Why do I think of them - I don't know. It gives me creeps but I'm used to it now. All the pain I have known will never fade away it leaves scars to my soul. My soul... it may not be broken yet but I feel like I don't know what to think or do. So many people who to think about and not to hurt them.  There is no way to kill the pain I feel. No painkillers would work, or they would be only temporary. 

My mind wanders in the distant lands, seeking for anwser what to do with her. 

Life has been too miserable in past weeks, but as well there has been happy times too. 

I have been thinkg to write for long... or not to write because I'm confused by all who are there in the world. Insanity taking over my mind, but not letting it control my actions.

Walking in the graveyard everyday past week has been good for me as there I feel like no one can hurt me there, not even my dark thoughts, not zombies, not anyone as that is a place of last rest for all who have died.

Am I dead within living people? 

My emotions are hard to get as they are buried deep inside. 

Walking in snowstorm feels great as I'm not feeling cold at all. It's just my body that radiates heat whenever I do something.

Too much exercise is always not good for me, but why I do that I don't know how to anwser that... 

My mind is something to get... just somethin insane I write... going insane is fun... no one notices when I snap, because it is in my mind...