Dead end

This blog has reached to Dead End. Nothing beyond is certain. If I even bother to write anything here later. Just for last note to readers who wait anxiously for new post... nah who am I kidding... no one barely reads it anyways. Next time I write here maybe in few days or few years even... but when I do... no one
 cares.

Past

I don't want to look into my past... because I don't find anything there. I oculdn't even remember the two boys who were in the same pic with me taken eleven years ago. Nor why I had not been in two class pictures. There is nothing good there... only thing that can be found is torment and suffering... and running away from life. Never knowing what will happen if you stop.

No one knows who I am, what did I do or when I started being visible for people.
With no past I can look only at present or to the future. Present is annoyingly diverse, where future is empty and spacious. There are choices too many to choose from in future. But in present I feel the best. Because there are no if's or when's there is only do or don't do.

Just another Tuesday

As Title says it is yet another Tuesday...

But it used to be special day before the Forever alone meme changed the meaning of it to Forever alone day for people who don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend or just who want to be cool and use memes everyday.

I honestly dislike those last ones, because I used to like Valentines day with the original meaning. But it changed some time ago when I made one bad mistake on that day... Till this day I regret that I had no balls and ruined someone's day forever...

But before that I don't remember if I really did something special that day or not. Because then I used to play World of Warcraft all day long. I guess I hadn't really done anything for Valentine's day before that mistake. 

Now I am at the point of wanting to do something for someone, but not knowing what or to who. 

It seems this month is the lowest point of all year... atleast for third year in a row, because before that I had no life what so ever. 

Best thing to do on this day is nothing for anyone and by doing that you can't hurt anyone. Because by doing nothing you don't do anything stupid that might work out against you, second by avoiding doing something for someone keeps you from hurting someone. Although it doesn't work in realtionships to be noted. Atleast from my point of view... from another's it can be rather different. 

As I am the one who does everything for others and nothing for oneself I would mind a day off. Just to collect all the lost pieces of myself. But I fear that my nature just doesn't take breaks like I would like to take... 

No future

Winter is here. It's cold in my room that my beverage cabinet works almost as a refigirator. Outside it is over -20 C so I don't bother to go out, maybe only for school. Atleast it is nice and calm outside. Better than being watery and windy this winter is harsh and cold. It's like real Siberian winter, but does not last that long. Keep the house warm is becoming tougher by every passing day. 

Nothing much really matters anymore. I guess I just don't bother to do anything novadays... Reading books i nvarious classes, not concentrating on homework and just letting all things pass by me as days pass. There is nothing to work myself up to, because I still take life one day at a time and don't really consider what to do in near future. No thoughts where to go to study or even what to study... Just letting the time pass while I do nothing seems not the beast idea, but I have no better on yet.

Let's just wait and see what happens... if there is anything that can go wrong it will go with a bang... 

Things... just things

Christmas is over for this year... as is this year only 4 days left till 2012 comes...
That was yet another Christmas with family... well only Christmas Eve because I was left home to keep the house warm... played Skyrim almost for 2 days and felt the arrow in the knee when it crashed... at some point I just didn't restart game and played some League of Legends instead...
I got only 2 things for Christmas... 4 books of A Song of Ice and Fire and 20€...
Well this Christmas was so lonely I was up till 4 am for 3 days... but always woke up at 11 am or so... although I went to friends place at Christmas Eve to give another a book and have some fun time...
For once I even enjoyed watching Christmas programs on TV... Die hard 4.0 still rocks... it's like taking bullet to the knee instead of an arrow... and A Curious Case of Benjamin Button was so enjoying I stayed up till 5 am yesterday...

Why I even write here when it should be material for the other blog...
This is place to write my sad stuff out from mind... but still I describe myself here...
Must stop writing something that matters... must write something irrational...
Because why? ... I need to remember that for the time being... writing things that have no meaning without context was once my favourite thing... but now... Nevermind... I will never bother to do that again... maybe...
Let's see what 2012 brings...

For something and for nothing

Seems I even bother to update my blog every once in a while after two weeks.
I finished A Clash of Kings today. Was epic reading, not like some romance novels I read in past classes like 'Twilight' (oh, yes I have read it... I made a mistake there) and Marked from House of Night series which was way better than first. All these books I read for my English class as home reading though I read usually two books when others only read one.
Soon I'll start reading first of two parts of book three from A Song of Ice and Fire series. Though I will devour it within a week or so if I use all my holidays for it.
As for chirstmas I maybe don't care, but seeing my little brother(s) once in a while will give something for nothing. Maybe I'm ought to stay longer than I have planned at home... but it will be seen.
Seems like I lie everytime I say I'm happy... because I had fun for hour but after all I ended up using my ninja skills and waited for something to come from nothing. In the end it was nothing I gained... only strenght to overcome myself to not care for what happens around me.

I'm still cold and it's getting colder by day and night.

Winter is Coming....

Soon it will be here with it white carpet covering all the earth and houses.
And then will start the long days of darkness, while the sun is in sky I study in school, come before dawn and leave after sun set. Only to get glimpses of sun while I go out for lunch. Days grow shorter by every passing day.
As the days grow gloomier, the only friend I find is the book I read. A song of and Ice and fire. Loved the first part of the story from the start. Although it is gloomy and treacherous as the charathers are venomous as the cobra nest. It took me time to put the book away to go for sleep. I read till it was 2 am in the morning. Will I do that again when I start to read second book Clash of The Kings?
School is starting to get tiring as the days grow shorter.
Nothing sad nor happy has happened from the last post. It is like every day is gray with nothing to remember but the comings and goings to school and back with driving lessons begun it ought to change. But time will see if the days will be more grayer or they will have some colours in them...

Having not the best day...

Since when I had I good day...
It all seems to be clouded in grey for past 2 weeks or so, just school, home, driving lessons and badminton or swimming if I bothered. Nothing really remarkable has happened. Days flow by as strangers you meet in the street while trying not to bump into them.

For weeks now I have felt that I'm left alone, no one bugging me to do everything, or anything. I have freedom to do anything, but I rarely use it... don't know why... Seems when you have it all in front of you, you stop caring and let the river flow. Should I do it or not...

It's like believing in something that has 0.000001% to come true, just to be sure you just wait till you are gray as weekdays, never having any fun while others are out having good times with eachother, you just sit and wait till your time comes. I sould be more active, but when I'm tired I can't be active... the energy, the will to go on... is fading piece by boring piece into the past, where nothing comes, but everything goes to there.

Once in a while I even bothered to write... achievement from me? ... don't know... no one really bothers to read it anyway...

Fuel... or just...

I wondered whats the fuel thats still running in me...
Keeping me sane and o.k...
Once I thought it was happy memories... but seems they get clouded from some point with  sadness, that has overtaken my mind. It can't be my fuel... because it has been used to last bit.
Another theory was that my fuel is happiness I give to my friends and others when I'm around, drawing in all the sadness and locking that away inside me... Maybe sadness is the fuel I need to keep myself operating... and those happy memories are just everything that is left of that fuel after burning.
But then what I am... just a deposit of sadness... Is that why I just want others to be happy and not me... Why I don't want to be happy when I can make other people smile. Why I must care so much... Or am I only blocking my ego from taking over and making me into a beast that doesn't care about anyone in his way.

Two-sided mind

First side...

A normal and happy person with no worries. Having a normal life whic like some strive for. This is the good side of me... happy, joyful, understanding, friendly... never hurting anyone, always helpful. Not waiting anything for help nor asking for a reward for a found ring or wallet. That's ordinary me...

Second side...

The unseen side. No one sees it as it has been under the first side always. Planning on how to do things that would hurt people. It wants to get everything. When awakened it is hard to restrain it... While it is awake, body can be calm, but mind is a battlefield of ideas, that cna never be accomplished. For it to reach the frozen depths of feelings is unbareable for mind. Never letting me rest while I want it just bombards my ind with thoughts...
If I could I would silence it, but it's hard... nothing can stop the bombardment better than idea that it will end sometime when I get tired enough.

Story about a girl

A year has passed and nothing really has happened till now...

She was there near the lake when it all happened.

She saw him bursting into flames, she could do nothing but watch as her friend was burned to ashes. The road she chose had wrong ending. That morning she had had letter from her old classmate to meet at the lake afternoon. She wanted to see him so much that she took a longer road and set foot at midday. Whae wanted to visit alone all the sites where they had played when they were younger, the old mines that were closed now, the old ghost motel that hadn't been used for ages and the truckstop where 5 mighty looking trucks were at stop. 

She knew she could never return to here after todays afternoon. Like a whisper sounded her voice that eagerd for freedom. She had never been free from parents reign. Till few days ago before her dad died in a car crash, something like had happened before, but only she could remember it. Her ties with parents loosened and she was almost free. Just few more days and she could really be free, and celebrate it but now there was nothing to celebrate. She was very out of mood but stilled wanted to see her friend from old times.

The woods from which she passed though felt like burning ashes to her. She didn't really noticed it till it was all over, then she noticed that the trail where she had came had been burnt down. She tryed to save him but it was too late, and not even the cool lake water couldn't extinguish those flames. Althoguh she didn't feel those flames burning at all when she tryed to carry him to water.

After that she fell unconcious and woke up at home. She didn't really know what to think, had that really happened what she just saw. She was coming down the stairs when she noticed a police officer at doorstep and then she fell into herself... "It really happened..." she said, and then the police officer noticed that she was sitting at stairs hands over her head trying to block any thoughts away. She was still sitting when policeofficer went to aske her if she could ask some questions. But girl said she didn't know anything, only that she had gone there because her old friend invited her to the lakeside. And fell unconcious when she saw her friend bursting into flames...

Sun shines through gloomy days

Today felt like a sunny day, although it really was gray and raining all day long.

Somehow I managed to keep myself up in school, but got bored in literature because it was so damn boring. Gloom that was in the skies around me didn't affect me at all. I got home and for some reason didn't hit bed to sleep 2 hrs off. But instead I was making myself fastfood and eating and did something in internet. But then I went to swim, but as sometimes happen we have to play waterpolo with a ball which diameter is 1 m, was tough.

After that 3.5 km walk to home was refresshing. Listening Billy Talent and Emilie Autumn whil dasing through the shadowy streets of Tartu, past the Pirogov park past the church ruins down the shadoy stairs and into light yet again. I enjoyed it, like I haven't done it a long time.

Today has been one day that rarely happens, more than 4 people try to get my attention. I didn't know what I did to get so many people's attention...

Oh well tomorrow is history test over 1st World War... gonna try to study little more about it...

Monster at bay

For myself I'm a monster, but outside I look just like normal, everything inside will be wrecked soon if I don't bother doin anything. I will not let the beast out though it wants and tries to escape. My mind is blocking it till the very end, it never rests. If I try to sleep, I see future, waht would happen if the beast is let out. I don't want it. I will not let it out. I keep it at bay, till the end of my days... 

Putting him to sleep is like trying to get what you see in your reash but never get your hands on it. He just is there and waits, till I let my guard down and then he takes control of me.

I don't know what will happen if he get's out... 

but it will not be good... 

I hope my mind stays sane if not there is nothing left for me to collect after sanity is restored... 

Just things

For a couple of days I've been sketching only one figure...
I wonder why, it is just so in my head that I can't get it out...
Every time I grab a pen and try to draw that 1 pic just comes to my mind with different outfits...
It's so simple to draw it, but harder to add something to there ...

Can't get it out my head...
Can't leave it alone...
Don't know why...
Don't want to forget...

Looks like OC...
But not really an OC...
I don't have this kind of imagination...
Nevermind it's so meaningless after all...

Something I did...

A good song I found thx to friend while driving from one birthday last weekend.

Last weekend was great...
Except the part where I drank 35% pepper drink with wermouth, after a lot of rum&colas.
Sauna was perfect there but seems I managed somehow to get burnmark to my shoulder and it's been annyoing me now. Playin Alias till 5.30 am was fun, and somewhat a challange, after game ended I fell to sleep so fast I noticed to wake up at 11am.

Now I can't go to any party in a month or so because of the badminton tournaments happening almost every saturday and it's a 2-3hr drive to those places. That extends my school week by atleast a day. Onyl Sunday left for resting.

Animatsuri is coming soon. Thinking if I should partake in flashmob at Animatsuri or not... I don't think I have time to learn it fully and knowing my skills dancing... I will clearly fail.

I have the best song to add to the end of this post.

P.S. TAT is great band

It's Autumn already?

It's been long I last wrote here.

The summer took it's toll, but now I'm back.

Nothing interesting haven't happened yet. Or no spontanous storys haven't jumped into my mind yet.

Just something not important

Just why I get this feeling that something important is missed or is yet to happen. It is like silence before the storm, even if the storm is a little thunder on a sunny day. Thunderclouds over my head are not an uncommon sight. They are there like forever and never gone. Even if I'm happy for second they come back and I put on my pessimistic face. It's like I'm not there for others. Just a little black pixel on some politician's suit in TV that has only one meaning in life.
But what is Life? Is life an imitation of death, or the simulation you do before you die? Less you know about life the better because it will make your head explode in time if you think too much about it. Thats how geniuses are born, they just think about life, but meanwhile find out a little thing about life worth of documentation.

He who shall not be named

He saw a big black truck and then it happened. The trucker seemed to have lost control over the truck and it was rushing towards him. He had only seconds to run out of harms way. Fortunately, the trucker got his truck under control and stopped it a second before hitting him. But at that moment a second truck hit him through first truck.

At first it seemed like a lot of blood was spilled, too much for man to carry. But after he woke up, a minute after being hit by the second truck, it seemed to him that he was back in a war-zone. helplessly trying to reach his gun he sat there ten minutes. After that he stood up and went to have a look about what had really happened.

The surroundings seemed familiar to him but he didn't remember how he had got there. He was in a beautiful park under a willow tree. And then, the next moment he felt like being ripped away from the Earth. He saw only flashing lights and felt a sharp pain in his lower body. And then he realized what had happened. But he knew he could never tell anyone, because they would never believe him.

Lost and yet found again

It seems that lost hope can be found again. Yet a year has past. Can time really cure wounds in heart or soul? Yet it feels like so, but something is still bothering me. What does she want? She is like a good friend who is great to watch films with, but on other hand she is very hard-working. Nothing to do but wait and see what tides of time shall bring me. But never lose hope,should  you lose your hope all what is precious to you perishes and you feel like an empty shell lying on beach waiting for tide to come and take you with...

Am I not myself?

Why this keeps happening? I don't feel like myself anymore. Am I really changing or is it just that I'm too quiet?
How can I get this feeling out from myself?...
Every dream looks like a nightmare without and ending. Just how long this will last? Nothing happy doesn't seem to happen, even if I try to lose the pessimistic cloud over my head. But every color looks grey now.