Having not the best day...

Since when I had I good day...
It all seems to be clouded in grey for past 2 weeks or so, just school, home, driving lessons and badminton or swimming if I bothered. Nothing really remarkable has happened. Days flow by as strangers you meet in the street while trying not to bump into them.

For weeks now I have felt that I'm left alone, no one bugging me to do everything, or anything. I have freedom to do anything, but I rarely use it... don't know why... Seems when you have it all in front of you, you stop caring and let the river flow. Should I do it or not...

It's like believing in something that has 0.000001% to come true, just to be sure you just wait till you are gray as weekdays, never having any fun while others are out having good times with eachother, you just sit and wait till your time comes. I sould be more active, but when I'm tired I can't be active... the energy, the will to go on... is fading piece by boring piece into the past, where nothing comes, but everything goes to there.

Once in a while I even bothered to write... achievement from me? ... don't know... no one really bothers to read it anyway...

Fuel... or just...

I wondered whats the fuel thats still running in me...
Keeping me sane and o.k...
Once I thought it was happy memories... but seems they get clouded from some point with  sadness, that has overtaken my mind. It can't be my fuel... because it has been used to last bit.
Another theory was that my fuel is happiness I give to my friends and others when I'm around, drawing in all the sadness and locking that away inside me... Maybe sadness is the fuel I need to keep myself operating... and those happy memories are just everything that is left of that fuel after burning.
But then what I am... just a deposit of sadness... Is that why I just want others to be happy and not me... Why I don't want to be happy when I can make other people smile. Why I must care so much... Or am I only blocking my ego from taking over and making me into a beast that doesn't care about anyone in his way.

Two-sided mind

First side...

A normal and happy person with no worries. Having a normal life whic like some strive for. This is the good side of me... happy, joyful, understanding, friendly... never hurting anyone, always helpful. Not waiting anything for help nor asking for a reward for a found ring or wallet. That's ordinary me...

Second side...

The unseen side. No one sees it as it has been under the first side always. Planning on how to do things that would hurt people. It wants to get everything. When awakened it is hard to restrain it... While it is awake, body can be calm, but mind is a battlefield of ideas, that cna never be accomplished. For it to reach the frozen depths of feelings is unbareable for mind. Never letting me rest while I want it just bombards my ind with thoughts...
If I could I would silence it, but it's hard... nothing can stop the bombardment better than idea that it will end sometime when I get tired enough.

Story about a girl

A year has passed and nothing really has happened till now...

She was there near the lake when it all happened.

She saw him bursting into flames, she could do nothing but watch as her friend was burned to ashes. The road she chose had wrong ending. That morning she had had letter from her old classmate to meet at the lake afternoon. She wanted to see him so much that she took a longer road and set foot at midday. Whae wanted to visit alone all the sites where they had played when they were younger, the old mines that were closed now, the old ghost motel that hadn't been used for ages and the truckstop where 5 mighty looking trucks were at stop. 

She knew she could never return to here after todays afternoon. Like a whisper sounded her voice that eagerd for freedom. She had never been free from parents reign. Till few days ago before her dad died in a car crash, something like had happened before, but only she could remember it. Her ties with parents loosened and she was almost free. Just few more days and she could really be free, and celebrate it but now there was nothing to celebrate. She was very out of mood but stilled wanted to see her friend from old times.

The woods from which she passed though felt like burning ashes to her. She didn't really noticed it till it was all over, then she noticed that the trail where she had came had been burnt down. She tryed to save him but it was too late, and not even the cool lake water couldn't extinguish those flames. Althoguh she didn't feel those flames burning at all when she tryed to carry him to water.

After that she fell unconcious and woke up at home. She didn't really know what to think, had that really happened what she just saw. She was coming down the stairs when she noticed a police officer at doorstep and then she fell into herself... "It really happened..." she said, and then the police officer noticed that she was sitting at stairs hands over her head trying to block any thoughts away. She was still sitting when policeofficer went to aske her if she could ask some questions. But girl said she didn't know anything, only that she had gone there because her old friend invited her to the lakeside. And fell unconcious when she saw her friend bursting into flames...

Sun shines through gloomy days

Today felt like a sunny day, although it really was gray and raining all day long.

Somehow I managed to keep myself up in school, but got bored in literature because it was so damn boring. Gloom that was in the skies around me didn't affect me at all. I got home and for some reason didn't hit bed to sleep 2 hrs off. But instead I was making myself fastfood and eating and did something in internet. But then I went to swim, but as sometimes happen we have to play waterpolo with a ball which diameter is 1 m, was tough.

After that 3.5 km walk to home was refresshing. Listening Billy Talent and Emilie Autumn whil dasing through the shadowy streets of Tartu, past the Pirogov park past the church ruins down the shadoy stairs and into light yet again. I enjoyed it, like I haven't done it a long time.

Today has been one day that rarely happens, more than 4 people try to get my attention. I didn't know what I did to get so many people's attention...

Oh well tomorrow is history test over 1st World War... gonna try to study little more about it...

Monster at bay

For myself I'm a monster, but outside I look just like normal, everything inside will be wrecked soon if I don't bother doin anything. I will not let the beast out though it wants and tries to escape. My mind is blocking it till the very end, it never rests. If I try to sleep, I see future, waht would happen if the beast is let out. I don't want it. I will not let it out. I keep it at bay, till the end of my days... 

Putting him to sleep is like trying to get what you see in your reash but never get your hands on it. He just is there and waits, till I let my guard down and then he takes control of me.

I don't know what will happen if he get's out... 

but it will not be good... 

I hope my mind stays sane if not there is nothing left for me to collect after sanity is restored... 

Just things

For a couple of days I've been sketching only one figure...
I wonder why, it is just so in my head that I can't get it out...
Every time I grab a pen and try to draw that 1 pic just comes to my mind with different outfits...
It's so simple to draw it, but harder to add something to there ...

Can't get it out my head...
Can't leave it alone...
Don't know why...
Don't want to forget...

Looks like OC...
But not really an OC...
I don't have this kind of imagination...
Nevermind it's so meaningless after all...