Nothing much

Life seems very pure and honest at start but when you grow up you find it disgusting and deceptive. And some part of our lives we will get that there is no Santa. But some believe still he is somewhere near the North Pole with elves. Well I think he might be there and might not, as I don't have any proof of him existing.

And why do we celebrate Christams every year? Reason is short because christians took it over a long time ago from who they called pagans. And why they did it? They needed a date when people must come to church for praying and "donations" to come. I personally like christmas, but I dislike it being a religious holiday.

Something insane again

Something I think, but I never tell anybody. In my mind whenever I'm alone I will always what would happen,  mostly only horrible events or seeing someone I know being all alone in the forest or park. Why do I think of them - I don't know. It gives me creeps but I'm used to it now. All the pain I have known will never fade away it leaves scars to my soul. My soul... it may not be broken yet but I feel like I don't know what to think or do. So many people who to think about and not to hurt them.  There is no way to kill the pain I feel. No painkillers would work, or they would be only temporary. 

My mind wanders in the distant lands, seeking for anwser what to do with her. 

Life has been too miserable in past weeks, but as well there has been happy times too. 

I have been thinkg to write for long... or not to write because I'm confused by all who are there in the world. Insanity taking over my mind, but not letting it control my actions.

Walking in the graveyard everyday past week has been good for me as there I feel like no one can hurt me there, not even my dark thoughts, not zombies, not anyone as that is a place of last rest for all who have died.

Am I dead within living people? 

My emotions are hard to get as they are buried deep inside. 

Walking in snowstorm feels great as I'm not feeling cold at all. It's just my body that radiates heat whenever I do something.

Too much exercise is always not good for me, but why I do that I don't know how to anwser that... 

My mind is something to get... just somethin insane I write... going insane is fun... no one notices when I snap, because it is in my mind...

Sanity farewell, welcome insanity

You say you know me, but actualy you are lying because you don't know anything about me. You don't know how harsh and repulsive I am. Just one word and all what I am can be torn to shreds in an instant. You say I need help, well I say not your help. When I'm frustrated it will take time to get myself together. For example I wanted to smash my racket to bits while playing the 3rd place game today in tournament. I'm at the edge of sanity and insanity. Somehow I want to hit, smash, or just wreck something, but my mind wouldn't let me do it. I have never been good with people, it happens always I get friends with them and some time passes peacefully and then I find myself not talking to them in a long time because I did something, but they don't want to talk about it. I want to hate myself because I've caused so much pain to others, but I can't some of them were demanding it. 

Changes on this blog

I have made a new blog that will be only for estonian readers, because I don't like writing in two different languages into same place. The original posts stay here which are estonian. From now on in this blog I shall write in english.
Here is the new blog if you want to visit. New posts will be added in time.