Dead end

This blog has reached to Dead End. Nothing beyond is certain. If I even bother to write anything here later. Just for last note to readers who wait anxiously for new post... nah who am I kidding... no one barely reads it anyways. Next time I write here maybe in few days or few years even... but when I do... no one
 cares.

Past

I don't want to look into my past... because I don't find anything there. I oculdn't even remember the two boys who were in the same pic with me taken eleven years ago. Nor why I had not been in two class pictures. There is nothing good there... only thing that can be found is torment and suffering... and running away from life. Never knowing what will happen if you stop.

No one knows who I am, what did I do or when I started being visible for people.
With no past I can look only at present or to the future. Present is annoyingly diverse, where future is empty and spacious. There are choices too many to choose from in future. But in present I feel the best. Because there are no if's or when's there is only do or don't do.

Just another Tuesday

As Title says it is yet another Tuesday...

But it used to be special day before the Forever alone meme changed the meaning of it to Forever alone day for people who don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend or just who want to be cool and use memes everyday.

I honestly dislike those last ones, because I used to like Valentines day with the original meaning. But it changed some time ago when I made one bad mistake on that day... Till this day I regret that I had no balls and ruined someone's day forever...

But before that I don't remember if I really did something special that day or not. Because then I used to play World of Warcraft all day long. I guess I hadn't really done anything for Valentine's day before that mistake. 

Now I am at the point of wanting to do something for someone, but not knowing what or to who. 

It seems this month is the lowest point of all year... atleast for third year in a row, because before that I had no life what so ever. 

Best thing to do on this day is nothing for anyone and by doing that you can't hurt anyone. Because by doing nothing you don't do anything stupid that might work out against you, second by avoiding doing something for someone keeps you from hurting someone. Although it doesn't work in realtionships to be noted. Atleast from my point of view... from another's it can be rather different. 

As I am the one who does everything for others and nothing for oneself I would mind a day off. Just to collect all the lost pieces of myself. But I fear that my nature just doesn't take breaks like I would like to take... 

No future

Winter is here. It's cold in my room that my beverage cabinet works almost as a refigirator. Outside it is over -20 C so I don't bother to go out, maybe only for school. Atleast it is nice and calm outside. Better than being watery and windy this winter is harsh and cold. It's like real Siberian winter, but does not last that long. Keep the house warm is becoming tougher by every passing day. 

Nothing much really matters anymore. I guess I just don't bother to do anything novadays... Reading books i nvarious classes, not concentrating on homework and just letting all things pass by me as days pass. There is nothing to work myself up to, because I still take life one day at a time and don't really consider what to do in near future. No thoughts where to go to study or even what to study... Just letting the time pass while I do nothing seems not the beast idea, but I have no better on yet.

Let's just wait and see what happens... if there is anything that can go wrong it will go with a bang...