Things... just things

Christmas is over for this year... as is this year only 4 days left till 2012 comes...
That was yet another Christmas with family... well only Christmas Eve because I was left home to keep the house warm... played Skyrim almost for 2 days and felt the arrow in the knee when it crashed... at some point I just didn't restart game and played some League of Legends instead...
I got only 2 things for Christmas... 4 books of A Song of Ice and Fire and 20€...
Well this Christmas was so lonely I was up till 4 am for 3 days... but always woke up at 11 am or so... although I went to friends place at Christmas Eve to give another a book and have some fun time...
For once I even enjoyed watching Christmas programs on TV... Die hard 4.0 still rocks... it's like taking bullet to the knee instead of an arrow... and A Curious Case of Benjamin Button was so enjoying I stayed up till 5 am yesterday...

Why I even write here when it should be material for the other blog...
This is place to write my sad stuff out from mind... but still I describe myself here...
Must stop writing something that matters... must write something irrational...
Because why? ... I need to remember that for the time being... writing things that have no meaning without context was once my favourite thing... but now... Nevermind... I will never bother to do that again... maybe...
Let's see what 2012 brings...

For something and for nothing

Seems I even bother to update my blog every once in a while after two weeks.
I finished A Clash of Kings today. Was epic reading, not like some romance novels I read in past classes like 'Twilight' (oh, yes I have read it... I made a mistake there) and Marked from House of Night series which was way better than first. All these books I read for my English class as home reading though I read usually two books when others only read one.
Soon I'll start reading first of two parts of book three from A Song of Ice and Fire series. Though I will devour it within a week or so if I use all my holidays for it.
As for chirstmas I maybe don't care, but seeing my little brother(s) once in a while will give something for nothing. Maybe I'm ought to stay longer than I have planned at home... but it will be seen.
Seems like I lie everytime I say I'm happy... because I had fun for hour but after all I ended up using my ninja skills and waited for something to come from nothing. In the end it was nothing I gained... only strenght to overcome myself to not care for what happens around me.

I'm still cold and it's getting colder by day and night.

Winter is Coming....

Soon it will be here with it white carpet covering all the earth and houses.
And then will start the long days of darkness, while the sun is in sky I study in school, come before dawn and leave after sun set. Only to get glimpses of sun while I go out for lunch. Days grow shorter by every passing day.
As the days grow gloomier, the only friend I find is the book I read. A song of and Ice and fire. Loved the first part of the story from the start. Although it is gloomy and treacherous as the charathers are venomous as the cobra nest. It took me time to put the book away to go for sleep. I read till it was 2 am in the morning. Will I do that again when I start to read second book Clash of The Kings?
School is starting to get tiring as the days grow shorter.
Nothing sad nor happy has happened from the last post. It is like every day is gray with nothing to remember but the comings and goings to school and back with driving lessons begun it ought to change. But time will see if the days will be more grayer or they will have some colours in them...

Having not the best day...

Since when I had I good day...
It all seems to be clouded in grey for past 2 weeks or so, just school, home, driving lessons and badminton or swimming if I bothered. Nothing really remarkable has happened. Days flow by as strangers you meet in the street while trying not to bump into them.

For weeks now I have felt that I'm left alone, no one bugging me to do everything, or anything. I have freedom to do anything, but I rarely use it... don't know why... Seems when you have it all in front of you, you stop caring and let the river flow. Should I do it or not...

It's like believing in something that has 0.000001% to come true, just to be sure you just wait till you are gray as weekdays, never having any fun while others are out having good times with eachother, you just sit and wait till your time comes. I sould be more active, but when I'm tired I can't be active... the energy, the will to go on... is fading piece by boring piece into the past, where nothing comes, but everything goes to there.

Once in a while I even bothered to write... achievement from me? ... don't know... no one really bothers to read it anyway...

Fuel... or just...

I wondered whats the fuel thats still running in me...
Keeping me sane and o.k...
Once I thought it was happy memories... but seems they get clouded from some point with  sadness, that has overtaken my mind. It can't be my fuel... because it has been used to last bit.
Another theory was that my fuel is happiness I give to my friends and others when I'm around, drawing in all the sadness and locking that away inside me... Maybe sadness is the fuel I need to keep myself operating... and those happy memories are just everything that is left of that fuel after burning.
But then what I am... just a deposit of sadness... Is that why I just want others to be happy and not me... Why I don't want to be happy when I can make other people smile. Why I must care so much... Or am I only blocking my ego from taking over and making me into a beast that doesn't care about anyone in his way.

Two-sided mind

First side...

A normal and happy person with no worries. Having a normal life whic like some strive for. This is the good side of me... happy, joyful, understanding, friendly... never hurting anyone, always helpful. Not waiting anything for help nor asking for a reward for a found ring or wallet. That's ordinary me...

Second side...

The unseen side. No one sees it as it has been under the first side always. Planning on how to do things that would hurt people. It wants to get everything. When awakened it is hard to restrain it... While it is awake, body can be calm, but mind is a battlefield of ideas, that cna never be accomplished. For it to reach the frozen depths of feelings is unbareable for mind. Never letting me rest while I want it just bombards my ind with thoughts...
If I could I would silence it, but it's hard... nothing can stop the bombardment better than idea that it will end sometime when I get tired enough.

Story about a girl

A year has passed and nothing really has happened till now...

She was there near the lake when it all happened.

She saw him bursting into flames, she could do nothing but watch as her friend was burned to ashes. The road she chose had wrong ending. That morning she had had letter from her old classmate to meet at the lake afternoon. She wanted to see him so much that she took a longer road and set foot at midday. Whae wanted to visit alone all the sites where they had played when they were younger, the old mines that were closed now, the old ghost motel that hadn't been used for ages and the truckstop where 5 mighty looking trucks were at stop. 

She knew she could never return to here after todays afternoon. Like a whisper sounded her voice that eagerd for freedom. She had never been free from parents reign. Till few days ago before her dad died in a car crash, something like had happened before, but only she could remember it. Her ties with parents loosened and she was almost free. Just few more days and she could really be free, and celebrate it but now there was nothing to celebrate. She was very out of mood but stilled wanted to see her friend from old times.

The woods from which she passed though felt like burning ashes to her. She didn't really noticed it till it was all over, then she noticed that the trail where she had came had been burnt down. She tryed to save him but it was too late, and not even the cool lake water couldn't extinguish those flames. Althoguh she didn't feel those flames burning at all when she tryed to carry him to water.

After that she fell unconcious and woke up at home. She didn't really know what to think, had that really happened what she just saw. She was coming down the stairs when she noticed a police officer at doorstep and then she fell into herself... "It really happened..." she said, and then the police officer noticed that she was sitting at stairs hands over her head trying to block any thoughts away. She was still sitting when policeofficer went to aske her if she could ask some questions. But girl said she didn't know anything, only that she had gone there because her old friend invited her to the lakeside. And fell unconcious when she saw her friend bursting into flames...

Sun shines through gloomy days

Today felt like a sunny day, although it really was gray and raining all day long.

Somehow I managed to keep myself up in school, but got bored in literature because it was so damn boring. Gloom that was in the skies around me didn't affect me at all. I got home and for some reason didn't hit bed to sleep 2 hrs off. But instead I was making myself fastfood and eating and did something in internet. But then I went to swim, but as sometimes happen we have to play waterpolo with a ball which diameter is 1 m, was tough.

After that 3.5 km walk to home was refresshing. Listening Billy Talent and Emilie Autumn whil dasing through the shadowy streets of Tartu, past the Pirogov park past the church ruins down the shadoy stairs and into light yet again. I enjoyed it, like I haven't done it a long time.

Today has been one day that rarely happens, more than 4 people try to get my attention. I didn't know what I did to get so many people's attention...

Oh well tomorrow is history test over 1st World War... gonna try to study little more about it...

Monster at bay

For myself I'm a monster, but outside I look just like normal, everything inside will be wrecked soon if I don't bother doin anything. I will not let the beast out though it wants and tries to escape. My mind is blocking it till the very end, it never rests. If I try to sleep, I see future, waht would happen if the beast is let out. I don't want it. I will not let it out. I keep it at bay, till the end of my days... 

Putting him to sleep is like trying to get what you see in your reash but never get your hands on it. He just is there and waits, till I let my guard down and then he takes control of me.

I don't know what will happen if he get's out... 

but it will not be good... 

I hope my mind stays sane if not there is nothing left for me to collect after sanity is restored... 

Just things

For a couple of days I've been sketching only one figure...
I wonder why, it is just so in my head that I can't get it out...
Every time I grab a pen and try to draw that 1 pic just comes to my mind with different outfits...
It's so simple to draw it, but harder to add something to there ...

Can't get it out my head...
Can't leave it alone...
Don't know why...
Don't want to forget...

Looks like OC...
But not really an OC...
I don't have this kind of imagination...
Nevermind it's so meaningless after all...

Something I did...

A good song I found thx to friend while driving from one birthday last weekend.

Last weekend was great...
Except the part where I drank 35% pepper drink with wermouth, after a lot of rum&colas.
Sauna was perfect there but seems I managed somehow to get burnmark to my shoulder and it's been annyoing me now. Playin Alias till 5.30 am was fun, and somewhat a challange, after game ended I fell to sleep so fast I noticed to wake up at 11am.

Now I can't go to any party in a month or so because of the badminton tournaments happening almost every saturday and it's a 2-3hr drive to those places. That extends my school week by atleast a day. Onyl Sunday left for resting.

Animatsuri is coming soon. Thinking if I should partake in flashmob at Animatsuri or not... I don't think I have time to learn it fully and knowing my skills dancing... I will clearly fail.

I have the best song to add to the end of this post.

P.S. TAT is great band

It's Autumn already?

It's been long I last wrote here.

The summer took it's toll, but now I'm back.

Nothing interesting haven't happened yet. Or no spontanous storys haven't jumped into my mind yet.

Just something not important

Just why I get this feeling that something important is missed or is yet to happen. It is like silence before the storm, even if the storm is a little thunder on a sunny day. Thunderclouds over my head are not an uncommon sight. They are there like forever and never gone. Even if I'm happy for second they come back and I put on my pessimistic face. It's like I'm not there for others. Just a little black pixel on some politician's suit in TV that has only one meaning in life.
But what is Life? Is life an imitation of death, or the simulation you do before you die? Less you know about life the better because it will make your head explode in time if you think too much about it. Thats how geniuses are born, they just think about life, but meanwhile find out a little thing about life worth of documentation.

He who shall not be named

He saw a big black truck and then it happened. The trucker seemed to have lost control over the truck and it was rushing towards him. He had only seconds to run out of harms way. Fortunately, the trucker got his truck under control and stopped it a second before hitting him. But at that moment a second truck hit him through first truck.

At first it seemed like a lot of blood was spilled, too much for man to carry. But after he woke up, a minute after being hit by the second truck, it seemed to him that he was back in a war-zone. helplessly trying to reach his gun he sat there ten minutes. After that he stood up and went to have a look about what had really happened.

The surroundings seemed familiar to him but he didn't remember how he had got there. He was in a beautiful park under a willow tree. And then, the next moment he felt like being ripped away from the Earth. He saw only flashing lights and felt a sharp pain in his lower body. And then he realized what had happened. But he knew he could never tell anyone, because they would never believe him.

Lost and yet found again

It seems that lost hope can be found again. Yet a year has past. Can time really cure wounds in heart or soul? Yet it feels like so, but something is still bothering me. What does she want? She is like a good friend who is great to watch films with, but on other hand she is very hard-working. Nothing to do but wait and see what tides of time shall bring me. But never lose hope,should  you lose your hope all what is precious to you perishes and you feel like an empty shell lying on beach waiting for tide to come and take you with...

Am I not myself?

Why this keeps happening? I don't feel like myself anymore. Am I really changing or is it just that I'm too quiet?
How can I get this feeling out from myself?...
Every dream looks like a nightmare without and ending. Just how long this will last? Nothing happy doesn't seem to happen, even if I try to lose the pessimistic cloud over my head. But every color looks grey now.

We live in rough times

Oh well, time to write next entry after million years of silence.
Cruising through life at speed of life.
Lot has happened since last post. Happy stuff, sad stuff but I'm still ok and sane.

Lets break some topics to pieces like the Japanase earthquake and my view of the thing. I got known about the issue when the tsunami had hit Japanese coast, but then I was like oh well, it can be worse. That was at school when I got home I read about it on bbc.com and other sites. I was like OMG for second. And then I followed the news past days and saw how things went. Not from bad to worse but how one thing can cause so much problems.

I would gladly go to help japanese people if I could, but there lies problem, I still have school to finish. On the other hand I believe that japanese can overcome this "catastrophe" pretty fast. As I was reading one blog where it was clearly pointed out what is a core meltdown and other things media has highlighted due to explosions at Fukushima nuclear power-plant. Let this topic just lose it's heat, then it will be more accurate.

Other than that life has been as boring as it can be, nothing to do but sleep all day long. Sometimes happaned that I woke up and noticed that I missed the training.
Good news is that winter is almost over, Sun shines higher and longer.

------
Fluxx is great game, but No one expects the Spanish inquisition.

Empty shell on the beach

Feeling like an empty shell lying on the beach, waiting for someone to pick it up and throw it back to the Ocean of Hate. If you find it then just throw it back, no use to take it with you. Inside is nothing left. You may break it, throw it back, hide in the sand, I wouldn't care because left alone is best for me.
As tide comes I shall travel again in the Ocean of Hate where I can be free till I find another beach where to stop hoping you wouldn't find me there. Because in the shell there can be life still, but very, very little.
Would you take it with you, you make a mistake. That little piece of life, hope will grow bigger and bigger. Till it becomes monster and you just take it back to where you found it. And throw it back to Ocean of Hate.
Yet another one finds it and so shall the circle continue till one day that ray of hope in the shell is almost gone and  someone finds it and from that day, the shell will become what it used to be.
But to get out of the circle will take time, days, months, years, decades, centurys maybe even a millenia till it finds true happyness.

Falling apart/Walking away

If it happened once it can happen again. Trembling, crackling inside without knowing what to do next. From when it got so sad again? Life is cruel but fair. One second I'm walking home with friends, the next I'm in dark graveyard alone and thinking why I'm so alone, when I had friends just a seconds ago around me. Am I destined to walk the Earth alone forever?
Happyness just walking away from me like, I from my friend usually do just sneaking away without saying goodbye when it seems right to leave or I'm tired.
Giving myself bit by tiny bit to others without gaining anything from it. I can't stop doing it, cannot change who I am. I only get back something that makes me sad. Why does it happen... I try to make others happy and I gain nothing except misery of it.

Time has passed

Too long has passed since I bothered to write something.
So many things has happened meanwhile. I got my Birthday party planned, one silver medal in badminton tournament last weekend.
Weekend before that I was with friends(like 60 ppl) at baka.ee winter rally. Was fun though, I mostly spent time with one person. Played pool for 1,5 hours at midnight, lost the game because neither I nor my partner didn't believe to heart of the balls. I got some new friends from there too, with who was very good and interesting to talk. While party lasted till morning I went to sleep at 4 or so.
While coming back from there our car drifted a little and then was in wall of snow, atleast we got out quick as there was a police convoy (highway interceptor, patrol car and minivan) few minutes behind us. But when I got home, I had massive headache.
I have to mention that I had week or 2 before similiar incident while going to family friends place 20 km out of town. But then it was only ice what was on the road and we did 360 while going with 80 km/h before landing in wall of snow.

Irrationality in rationality

Oh well. New year well spent... first day at school went quite good even. And I have already planned next 4 weekends already.

It seems I'm writing less than I did before the new year. Maybe it's because I now have something to do with my time; not to write irrational things that only I can understand(I still can write them, but it's no use to write because I'm not the only one who reads them). Confusion was the best, is the best way I write in my blog. No use to find rationality here, because it's irrational babble I'm blowing here. Just some random thoughts/things from my mind. Like I think before I sleep, like 2 maybe 3 hours I lay still and my mind works as fast as Mach 5.

Only thing is my thoughts are confusing me. Some pictures from future like some girl I know starting barfight over with other trying to get it under control it gets bigger and bigger. In the end I leave the bar and only 1 girl comes out of there to seek me because others are conserned by killing the contestants or injurying them.

 Usless bullshit I'm talking. Never shall I talk about the point, it's useful to go round the matter not into it the right way. Who can understand, who can't.

There is no devil inside me, it's just a fistsize red thingy what keeps me alive. Alive is well said because I feel like dissapoint at my **********s, well actualy not for one, but I plan to be off from #D till friday. Don't think it's a good idea, but lets try. If I go there again before friday I'm gonna blog again...

Wish I hadn't said that last sentence...

It's just wrong

It's wrong to say I'm happy
It's wrong to say I'm sad
I could make those cute eyes of a puppy
But now the idea seems so bad

I wonder why
I said bye
Without a blink
And turned my back to you
So  I wouldn't think
About you

I don't know what I need
I don't know what I want

Why this keeps happening to me?
I don't know.