Nothing much

Life seems very pure and honest at start but when you grow up you find it disgusting and deceptive. And some part of our lives we will get that there is no Santa. But some believe still he is somewhere near the North Pole with elves. Well I think he might be there and might not, as I don't have any proof of him existing.

And why do we celebrate Christams every year? Reason is short because christians took it over a long time ago from who they called pagans. And why they did it? They needed a date when people must come to church for praying and "donations" to come. I personally like christmas, but I dislike it being a religious holiday.

Something insane again

Something I think, but I never tell anybody. In my mind whenever I'm alone I will always what would happen,  mostly only horrible events or seeing someone I know being all alone in the forest or park. Why do I think of them - I don't know. It gives me creeps but I'm used to it now. All the pain I have known will never fade away it leaves scars to my soul. My soul... it may not be broken yet but I feel like I don't know what to think or do. So many people who to think about and not to hurt them.  There is no way to kill the pain I feel. No painkillers would work, or they would be only temporary. 

My mind wanders in the distant lands, seeking for anwser what to do with her. 

Life has been too miserable in past weeks, but as well there has been happy times too. 

I have been thinkg to write for long... or not to write because I'm confused by all who are there in the world. Insanity taking over my mind, but not letting it control my actions.

Walking in the graveyard everyday past week has been good for me as there I feel like no one can hurt me there, not even my dark thoughts, not zombies, not anyone as that is a place of last rest for all who have died.

Am I dead within living people? 

My emotions are hard to get as they are buried deep inside. 

Walking in snowstorm feels great as I'm not feeling cold at all. It's just my body that radiates heat whenever I do something.

Too much exercise is always not good for me, but why I do that I don't know how to anwser that... 

My mind is something to get... just somethin insane I write... going insane is fun... no one notices when I snap, because it is in my mind...

Sanity farewell, welcome insanity

You say you know me, but actualy you are lying because you don't know anything about me. You don't know how harsh and repulsive I am. Just one word and all what I am can be torn to shreds in an instant. You say I need help, well I say not your help. When I'm frustrated it will take time to get myself together. For example I wanted to smash my racket to bits while playing the 3rd place game today in tournament. I'm at the edge of sanity and insanity. Somehow I want to hit, smash, or just wreck something, but my mind wouldn't let me do it. I have never been good with people, it happens always I get friends with them and some time passes peacefully and then I find myself not talking to them in a long time because I did something, but they don't want to talk about it. I want to hate myself because I've caused so much pain to others, but I can't some of them were demanding it. 

Changes on this blog

I have made a new blog that will be only for estonian readers, because I don't like writing in two different languages into same place. The original posts stay here which are estonian. From now on in this blog I shall write in english.
Here is the new blog if you want to visit. New posts will be added in time.

Vahelduste nädal

Üks huvitav nädal jälle möödas.

See nädal erines teistest, sest see nädal ma suutsin ainult ühe korra trennis käia, millest mul on suht kahju.

Sulgpall jäi ära, sest teisipäeval ja neljapäeval olid rokimängud ning reedese asendustrenni ajal oli animeööl, ning laupäeval olin liiga väsinud, et jõuda sinna

Esmaspäeval käisin trennis ära, päris mõnus oli.

Teisipäeval kuna trenni ei olnud käisin sõpradega kinos vaatamas Harry Potteri uusimat filmi, mis oli minu jaoks suur dissapoint. Ning pärast käisin saunas.

Kolmapäev, neljapäev lihtsalt istusin õhtu otsa arvutis vaatasin animet või siis istusin IRCus või MSNis rääkides, vahepeal lihtsalt trollides inimesi.

Reedel käisin Animeööl, kus see kord näidati Madhouse'i poolt tehtud animevalikut. Needless ep 6 jäi sealt kõige paremini meelde XD. Kuigi huvitav oli ka alguseks vaadatan Captain Herlockit. Alguses kui kohale jõudsin oli keegi otsustanud nali teha ja ukse lukustada, nii et pidin ootama ukse taga kuni tyyp otsustas selle lahti teha. Muidu oli huvitav animeöö aga pidin kahjuks vara lahkuma, sest hommikul oli Tallinna sõit plaanis.

Animeöölt lahkudes otsustasin läbi tulla surnuaiast ning see ei osutunudki nii läbi kukkunud plaaniks, sest scenery mis seal avanes oli lihtsalt nii epic, et oleks tahtnud seal tunde niisama jalutada ja nautida lumist surnuaeda.

Laupäeva hommikul oli juba kell 7 start Tallinna poole Eesti Gaidide Liidu aastakoosolekule, mis pmst koosnes sellest, et oli vaja kuulata ning hääletada. Aga see osutus väga ebahuvitavaks ning väsitavaks.

Tallinnast tagasi jõudes pidin viima venna arvuti sõbra poole kuna see suri ära eelmine päev ning tuli välja, et jama on selles et emaplaat suri ära. Peale kahetunnist linnatiiru koju tulles avastasin, et vend pelab mu arvutis WoWi ja toob ettekäändeks "kohe lõpetan". Ja terve õhtu oli juba rikutud.

Pühapäeval avastasin, et suutsin 12h magada ja kui üles ärkasin oli tuju hea aga siis langes tuju korraks miinusesse. Kuna oli saand IRCust kickbanni otsustasin teha oma kirjanduse kursusetöö ära.

Nädal millist pole ammu olnud...

Crayziness lvl 1

When you find yourself alone in the world, how do you react. It is simple to just quit living because no-one seems to care about you. World may seem darker now. You can see the people around you having fun, but  you are feeling sad and broken inside. Being broken inside doesn't mean you have to show it. If you keep yourself together no one will notice that you are very unstable. And when someone tries to help you, you just refuse because you know you might get hurt again and fall to the same pit again. You feel like you hate people who harmed you, but still some of them cannot be hated.
Once I hated the whole world because I was hurt, but next time I hated myself. For me the only one who can hurt me is myself. When I think back, all my problems start with me at end with me, things in between are people,who I know. I know I'm going crazy and this post is full of nonsense and irrational stuff.

Snowstorm and Movie

So I went to movies with some friends to watch "Harry Potter and the deathly hallows part 1". But while I was watching it I was so dissapointed in it. It was just too easy to see through as I had read all the books of Harry Potter a while ago.
When I got out of the movies there was this great snowstorm blowing snow into my face. Not that it hurt but wind and cold with it was so good to feel on my face. Described as a warm breeze of air on this cloudless, windless night.
It was only because my trainging had been cancelled because of a basketball game.
And what to do on thursday night when I have another free spot in my schedule...